Thee Tourettes don’t have a list. If they did have a list, you can be sure they wouldn’t check it twice. They simply don’t have that kind of attention span. But if, just for argument’s sake, they actually had a list, and supposing they had half the focus of a common gnat, and if somehow they gave enough of a purple dingleberry to check it even once, much less twice, you can damn well bet they’d spend the holiday season gifting the naughty, not the nice.

 

Lucky you.

 

Yes, once again it is I, Pinky Tourette, your most twinkling elf, bringing you holiday cheer and cheesecake in the form of new music from the band voted most likely to accidentally brick up a cat in the basement alongside their most recent axe victim. Oops.

 

As a special treat for these bleak, plague-ravaged holidays, we’ve opted to avoid the obvious by forgoing anything resembling an A-side. Who needs hits, we jauntily assert. Only pandering, money-grubbing Ebenezer musicians out to pad their portfolios with blood money squeezed from the wallets of their innocent virginal fans, that’s who. Well, that ain’t us. Thee Tourettes don’t believe in innocence OR virginity, and we’ve got the restraining orders to prove it.

 

As a matter of fact, we’ve even skipped the obligatory B-side and gone directly to Zed. To make it extra special, we split our deuces and delivered the first double Z-Side in music history.

 

On behalf of the girls, I am most pleased or at least ambivalent to deliver to you this pair of beautiful melodies, tumbling down your be-stockinged chimney like acrid soot from the California wildfires. Two songs destined never to come within a million parsecs of the hit parade, never to cross the lips of either Mariahs or messiahs, never to become holiday favorites or kindergarten singalongs: “Hail Satan” and “House of Confusion.”

 

Merry Zmas.