Censor Shit!

By now I’m sure all you diehard fans of the band have already scooped up numerous copies of Time Magazine’s year-end issue with their picks for the best and most popular in various categories, and you’ve pored repeatedly over the lengthy article on Thee Tourettes, winners of best performance / band / singers / songwriters / single / album / liner notes / artwork / answering machine message, and sealed your extra copies away in titanium sleeves coated in carbonite within the temperature-controlled vault where you hoard your pristine collection of band memorabilia.

Good thinking. Artifacts from the early days of the band sell for astronomical amounts nowadays at Heritage Auctions. Recently one flyer from a show decades ago with Nervus Rex at Hurrah went for just over $30,000 (plus 25% buyer’s premium) to an anonymous collector named Borat Sagdiyev. Other items disappear in a flash on the rare occasions they pop up on eBay.

In retrospect I wish I had hung on to some of the old flyers and tickets and backstage passes and satin jackets and monogrammed condoms and other ephemera from bygone years. I, Pinky Tourette, official biographer and chronicler of the band, could have honored their much-celebrated history by launching a museum dedicated to the girls. After all, Dolly Parton’s got one, and there’s only one of her. Just imagine seven Dolly Partons under one roof. Wouldn’t that attract the pilgrims?

Personally, I find it gratifying that Time singled out the band’s lyrics for praise and quoted extensively from their songs, including printing the following verse from “Idiot Got the Keys” in its entirety:

You thought it would be prudent to put him in command

Like a special-needs student with a weapon in each hand

There’s no time like the present to make new enemies

Or invest in antidepressants now that motherf-cking idiot got the keys

Still, I must correct them on their spelling. There’s a “U” in “motherfucking.” Otherwise, if you take the vowel out, it’s a very difficult word to pronounce.

Unless, of course, and I sincerely hope I’m wrong here, they are engaging in the linguistic practice commonly known as censorship. For those of you who don’t know, censorship is when someone in a position of power makes a decision about what everyone else gets to see, hear, read, or experience.

In this case, assuming this turns out to be true, Time will have taken it upon themselves to dictate what is appropriate language for the masses to be exposed to. And they will have determined, in their inestimable wisdom, that We the People are incapable of handling the letter “U.”

But no, that can’t be the case. The letter “U” appears in no less than five separate words in the first line of the lyric. So what is it then? It can’t be that they’re trying to disguise the word. If someone reads “mother-cker” and doesn’t know what word it represents, they are certainly in need of more than vowel supervision.

So Time Magazine’s editors are fully aware that you know exactly what word it is. They’re not averse to conveying that word to their readers. They simply won’t print it in its entirety. Why? Is it a dangerous incantation from the Necronomiconthat will summon eldritch antediluvian evil upon us if shared in full? A religious taboo like Yahweh that base human lips are unworthy to utter? A calculated gimmick like He Who Cannot Be Named?

Language, I think we can agree, is a manifestation of thought and concept. A way to convey messages to one another. As such, I can write or say the words copulate, fornicate, rut, hump, screw, or make love and be pretty safely assured not only that you will know exactly what I’m talking about, but that none of the letters therein will be deemed inappropriate for print or broadcast. Yet the dreaded F-word, which of course means exactly the same thing, is off-limits. I’d argue that it is censorship itself that has given the word its current power; that the banning and prohibition has over time elevated the word with an outlaw allure that has made it more popular than ever.

At this juncture I’d also like to note that certain cable TV channels join in the censorship of the letter “U” when surrounded by the letters “F” and “CK.” (They’ve also removed the letters “CK” when preceded by “Louis,” but that’s another subject entirely.) What’s curious is that some of the same channels allow the vowel “I” when surrounded by “SH” and “T.”

Meaning the word police are okay with shit, but nokay with fuck. That’s a lovely thought to wrap your noggin around.

I’m just thankful that most music posting sites don’t give a (your choice: shit/fuck) about language, and let artists post their music uncensored. Although they do request that we label any songs that include possibly “offensive” language as “explicit.”

Well, according to dictionary.com, “explicit” means the following:

1. fully and clearly expressed or demonstrated; leaving nothing merely implied; unequivocal

2. clearly developed or formulated

3. definite and unreserved in expression; outspoken

4. having sexual acts or nudity clearly depicted

5. Mathematics. (of a function) having the dependent variable expressed directly in terms of the independent variables, as y = 3x + 4

Personally, I like to think that Thee Tourettes’ lyrics all hew to the first three definitions, so henceforth we are tempted to label every one of our songs as “explicit.” Otherwise people are likely to think certain ones are about math. And who the fuck wants that?