Leak of Faith

After two and a half years of pandemic, we’ve all heard the drill countless times: the rise in cases is followed by a rise in the number of deaths. In other words, as bad as today’s case count may be, the real impact won’t be felt until after a muted, leaden pause.

Now it turns out the Trump presidency is exactly the same.

The big Cheato has been out of office for over a year. (Muted, leaden pause.) Now comes impact. And surprise, surprise, it arrives courtesy of the Supreme Court, one-third of whom were Cheatoed into office during the past regime. Howdy, folks, it’s me, Pinky Tourette, your acute anal polyp. Sorry, it’s that pesky autocorrect again; I meant astute political analyst. Recently, as we all know, the country was turned inside out by the Supreme Court’s decisions to ring in the 1950s all over again – or is that the 1850s? – with their trouncing of women’s rights and championing of corporate greed over environmental health.

On top of that there’s their wholehearted endorsement of gun violence and gleeful attempt to encourage same by making it easier to tote your AK around in public. All of these decisions, it should be noted, were opposed by the majority of Americans. Except in certain pockets. And by “pockets” I mean primarily the pockets of congressmen and lobbyists, but also, peripherally, pockets of America.

Like Texas, for instance. “Texas is the reason,” the Misfits barked decades ago, and although it is questionable to include the words “Texas” and “reason” in the same sentence, the fact remains that Texas is dead center of both the abortion and the gun debates, with their fiery dedication to the proposition that boys young enough for Chuck E. Cheese rewards should be able to legally and readily purchase weapons of mass execution designed specifically for maximum devastation in war zones.

Well, in recent weeks, as you may or may not have heard, Texas has doubled (barrel) down on their embrace of guns and disregard for human rights with an innovative new proposal: the nation’s first BGR program.

Bambino Gun Ranges will invite fully responsible and mature adults – defined as any numbnut who has made it to the age of 18 – to bring their own weapon of choice or to rent anything up to and including an assault rifle, RPG shoulder-fired rocket launcher, or M1 Abrams tank for enhanced target shooting.

Babies will be available for purchase based upon their nationality, gender, and other pertinent characteristics. Immigrant babies will naturally make cheaper targets and are expected to be in high demand. Jewish babies will come with a stamped Certificate of Authenticity (COA) ensuring that they may look white but that’s only a dirty trick to help them blend in among real Americans. Gay and trans babies will be available for an extra fee, complete with apparel to match their fake gender identity.

Texas lawmakers assure us that BGRs will reduce gun violence by providing a healthy outlet for deranged lunatics and terrorists, offering them a lawful outlet for their murderous urges while reducing the state’s mental health expenses, since communities and governments will no longer need to offer services to pacify or sedate the crazies. Instead, psychos will be encouraged to submit to their most depraved tendencies, and the government will reap the benefits in soaring BGR tax revenues.

Not only that, Texas politicians contend they have taken into consideration the concerns of the public and are acceding to the wishes of the abortion lobby. While moms are admittedly still forced to carry to term, they no longer need worry about supporting the little bastards post-pregnancy. In fact, they can nab a tidy recompense by selling toddlers in what is predicted to be a hot market. Who knows, it might even turn into a tidy business model for the cheap floozies, plonking out babies to feed the BGR mills, while spending the profits on their meth and taco habits.

It's a win-win-win situation, according to Judge Sammy Alito, who bragged recently in a speech to a crowd of proper young gentlemen in pointy white hats, “Our recent decisions confirm once and for all that the Court is far more than just the clusterfuck of partisan hacks we appear to be; instead we justly and vigorously represent and uphold the values of every American, from the faithful, Eurocentric Christian patriots who will reign in heaven to the godless libtard commie assholes who will rot in hell forevermore. Amen.”