More T, More A

After the overwhelming volume of your responses to the last T&A column broke the internet and forced the world to return to typewriters and telegrams for a full nine days, we’re back with a second edition of this massively popular feature. Below are some random questions from fans of Thee Tourettes and even more random answers from me, Pinky Tourette.

Dolly P. of Nashville, TN asks: What guitarists most influenced Doc’s playing?

I’m glad you asked, Yo-Yo. Among Doc’s earliest influences was Tony Iommi. It came as a thunderous revelation when Doc discovered that Iommi was missing fingertips. In later years, Doc fell under the spell of Django Reinhardt, who was, of course, lacking whole fingers. That led to a furious search for other musicians missing digits or parts thereof, with Doc discovering an abiding affinity for Les Paul, Dr. John, Jerry Garcia, etc. At this point, it’s safe to say that the less fingers you have, the more Doc admires your playing. In deference to these leading lights and their groundbreaking, influential work, Doc nowadays plays the guitar exclusively with her elbows, resulting in that unique and affecting tone we all know and love.

Neil deGrasse T. of NYC asks: Why do giraffes have long necks?

Interesting evolutionary tale here, Neil. Giraffes are descended from a prehistoric flying creature called the giraffodactyl. Addicted to kumquats and highly adept at spotting the tasty treats from great distances, the creatures gorged themselves and gradually grew thick and heavy. Eventually their necks stretched as their bodies sank to the ground. At which point they evolved out of their wings. Now ask me about ostriches.

Dionne W. of South Orange, NJ asks: Why does Greenland have more ice and Iceland have more green?

Better question: Why do “instant” noodles take three minutes to cook? That’s not instant. Watch for a shocking undercover exposé coming soon.

Sen. Mitch M. of Louisville, KY asks: What is Sleepy’s birthday? I want to send her a surprise birthday present.

Good job keeping the surprise a secret, numbnuts. I’ll give you a clue: It’s between January and June. Or vice versa.

Abner Y. of Dogpatch, USA asks: When is the rest of the world going to catch on to inches and feet?

It is genuinely puzzling that more countries haven’t jumped on board, Abner. Feet and inches are clearly the way to go. Rather than yawn-inducing metrics (10 millimeters = a centimeter, 10 centimeters = a meter, yadda yadda), it’s so much more challenging to calculate 12 inches to a foot, 3 feet to a yard, 1760 yards to a mile. Although you haven’t asked, the so-called “imperial system” of feet and inches was invented in England, based on the length of some bigwig’s foot, with an inch the supposed width of a thumb. Wishy-washy England bailed on the system in 1965 under pressure from Europe, resulting in just America and Liberia still using the imperial system, with Myanmar utilizing their own variation of gaik, taung, htwa, and mait. That leaves only the other 193 or so countries of the world using metric. I’m sure they’ll come around eventually.

Conan the B. of Cimmeria says: I was in the mall this afternoon and a sign said “You are here.” Where exactly is here?

Ah, yes, you’ve opened up a deep theological debate that we’ve all pondered in our unending quest for the meaning of life. Where, indeed, is “here?” And when is now? What is why? Who are you? Tommy can you hear me? What's love got to do with it? Mankind has sought answers to these questions and many more since before we even had language to define our thoughts. Based on many years of study under countless gurus and lamas and monks and imams and priests and rabbis and zen masters and sifus, after a punishing daily regimen of excruciatingly detailed research over more decades than I care to remember, I can finally and incontrovertibly provide you with an answer with absolute authority as to exactly where “here” is: downstairs from Panda Express and diagonally across from Foot Locker.

And so it goes. Keep those questions coming, Thee Tourettes fans. The truth is out there. Amelia Earhart has it written on a fortune cookie strip tucked into her bra.