Still More T, Yet More A

The volume of mail continues to grow exponentially from fans asking burning questions of their favorite band, Thee Tourettes. At times I, Pinky Tourette, bearer of truth and flinger of feedback, feel like Kris Kringle at the end of Miracle on 34th Street, overwhelmed by the depth of your adulation and devotion. Other times I feel like James Bond in Goldfinger. You want me to talk? No, we want you to die!

Jean-Claude V.D. of Brussels, Belgium asks: If Thee Tourettes got into a mud-wrestling match with the original Broadway cast of ‘Fiddler on the Roof,’ who would win?

You may be surprised to learn, Jean-Claude, that this is one of the questions we’re asked most frequently. While Thee Tourettes are renowned as fierce scrappers who have easily mopped up the dressing room with bands that messed with them (I’m looking at you, Mötley Crüe), it’s a hard call when it comes to the Fiddlers. Zero Mostel, as is well documented, was steeped in violence from his teenage days on Devil’s Island, where he killed and ate seven men armed with shanks and curare-tipped tap-dancing shoes. It’s common knowledge that his name, Zero, refers to the number of foes to survive his bloody wrath. Bea Arthur, with her cobra snake for a necktie and house made of rattlesnake hide, isn’t one to underestimate either. And then there’s “Dirty” Bert Convy, with his signature eye-gouge. After consulting half a dozen Vegas bookies as well as Colossus inventor Charles Forbin, we have come to the conclusion that the battle would be a draw. After which they would all head out together to drink themselves blotto on Manischewitz while singing “Tomorrow Belongs to Me.”

Prime Minister Boris J. of London, UK asks: Have you ever written a song about wet ass pussy, and why not?

It’s funny you should ask that, Boris, since we’re in the middle of writing one right now. I fully expect it to be a breakout hit and win an American Music Award. The video will feature Danny DeVito and Eugene Levy like you’ve never seen them before.

H.P.L. of Providence, RI asks: I recently wrote a 576-page dissertation on Thee Tourettes for my theology doctorate at Oxford and only got a B+. Do you have any pull with the executive committee?

We know the execs well, H.P. We helped to install them in their dignified positions and in truth we keep the university afloat nearly single-handedly with our annual donations from Thee Tourettes Higher Education Slush Fund. We could easily put in a good word on your behalf. But we won’t. That would be cheating, and Thee Tourettes are firm believers in strict meritocracy and the character-building value of hard work. That said, if you’d like to contribute to the Pinky Tourette Slush Fund, give me a shout and we’ll see what we can do.

F. Scott F. of Long Island, NY asks: Is Goldie Hawn really as dumb as she appears on Laugh-In?

No, F. Scott, but Lauren Boebert is.

Khalil G. of Bsharri, Lebanon asks: Why is the sky blue?

It’s no secret that the sky is sad, Khalil. I could give you a long, detailed list of the many despicable things humans have done to this planet, polluting and defiling it, filling the oceans with garbage and the air with toxic chemicals, stripping the land of trees and burning holes in the atmosphere. It’s enough to make anyone blue. But that’s beside the point. The sky is really blue because the Earth is a boy. Mars, which is a girl, used to be pink until it got really, really mad and turned red. (Blame Venus. The two of them used to be besties until that Mercury incident. Since then, hoo boy.)

Bob D. of Duluth, MN asks: How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?

Six.

And that’s all time and stamina I have for tonight, fans. Keep those cards and letters coming, and remember to include some of those funny green pieces of paper from mommy and daddy’s wallets. Toodles.